[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.23.4″ _module_preset=”default” da_disable_devices=”off|off|off” locked=”off” global_colors_info=”{}” da_is_popup=”off” da_exit_intent=”off” da_has_close=”on” da_alt_close=”off” da_dark_close=”off” da_not_modal=”on” da_is_singular=”off” da_with_loader=”off” da_has_shadow=”on”][et_pb_row admin_label=”row” _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” locked=”off” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_heading title=”The “Keep Busy” Self-Esteem Trap” _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” title_level=”h2″ title_font=”|700|||||||” global_colors_info=”{}”][/et_pb_heading][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]
If you’re a high-achieving woman who still feels like she’s not enough, welcome. You are not broken. You are not alone. And you’re exactly the kind of person I had in mind when I sat down to record a recent podcast episode with You Might Relate.
In that episode, we talked about something so many women struggle with quietly, often behind closed doors: their self-esteem. Or, more accurately, their lack of it. We also talked about a better way forward.
Yup, there is a better way forward. You read that right. As a therapist in St. George, UT I meet so many busy, ambitious women who are creating extraordinary lives for themselves and their loved ones. The problem is, they are often too busy, stressed and overwhelmed to enjoy it. They have a hard time relaxing after a day of trying to manage tasks and check off to-do lists.
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My clients, they’ve mastered productivity as if… well, as if their self-esteem depended on it. As if, they don’t feel good enough and are disappointed in themselves if they don’t get it all done.
Does the above description sound familiar to you? Busy, driven, but never feeling as if you can relax. Rarely feeling like you’ve done enough. It does to me.
Even as I look out at my messy living room right now, I see Lego sets on the ground, an overturned ottoman decorated with stuffed animals, a pile of rock climbing gear, and a finger-streaked TV screen. I see all this and I wonder, “Would a good mom have cleaned this up last night?”
A good mom? Who’s she!? In this moment, it doesn’t feel like me. The work of self-worth is to come back to my inherent goodness again and again and remind myself that my worth cannot be demonstrated by my organizational skills or my ability to keep house.
How is this sounding to you? Would you like to ground more deeply into your inherent worth and get off the self-esteem roller coaster? Let’s begin there, with an understanding of what self-esteem really is.
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In my office as a therapist in St. George, UT, I often hear women say:
- “I just don’t feel good about myself anymore.”
- “I look fine on paper, but I feel like I’m faking it.”
- “If I could just be more confident…”
When we talk about self-esteem, most of us think we need to do more, be more, or look a certain way to feel good enough. A good way to summarize this, is that to feel like our best selves we accidentally make that we have to:
- Do the right things
- Have the right things
- Be the right things
Who says what the “right things” are? That depends on your family and the world that you live in – talk about crazy making!
Some real life examples my clients have shared about how the do / have / be’s have effected their self esteem include:
- Needing help with fertility and being told that “real families” are not made that way
- Being the first in their family to divorce
- Wondering why they weren’t enough for their spouse
- Leaving their church and subsequently loosing intimacy with friends and family
- Having children who are struggling, failing or misbehaving at school
I would be remiss to note that social media has provided a fantastic outlet for women across the world to connect. But it’s also given us a tiny, self-selected, highlight reel on which to imagine there is a specific, enviable way to do, have and be.
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“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe,
deserve your love and affection.”
― Sharon Salzberg
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But here’s the truth: Self-esteem is performance and ability-based. Self-worth is not.
Self-esteem depends on your ability to esteem yourself. In other words, it depends on your ability to:
- Respect
- Admire
- Have a good opinion of yourself.
Now, that might not sound so bad. But I tell ya what, my ability to esteem myself can range greatly depending on if I’m hungry, tired, ill, or in a difficult season of life.
Self-esteem rises and falls depending on how you’re doing. If you crushed your to-do list, made the perfect dinner (that your kids loved), and got a compliment from your boss, your self-esteem might feel high. But when you’re sleep deprived, behind, or your child has a meltdown in public? Self-esteem tends to plummet.
It’s like riding a rollercoaster—except you’re never the one in control of the ride. I think you deserve better than that.
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Most of the women I work with in therapy here in St. George, UT are deeply kind, incredibly capable, and completely worn out.
Why? Because they’re trying to earn their value. I call this “stuff-esteem” at Guided Wellness Counseling. Your confidence and self-respect depend on whether:
- Your kitchen is clean
- Your kids are thriving
- Your body looks a certain way
- Your career is going well
- You and your partner are having “enough” sex
- You’re liked by everyone around you
It’s exhausting. And honestly? It’s never going to be enough. Because your worth is not made up of your stuff and abilities. Plus, everything on the list above is a moving target – that’s a recipe for disaster.
You’re not a resume. You’re not a to-do list. You’re not a resource to be used up. You’re a human, a perfectly imperfect human.
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Here’s a personal confession: Even as a therapist and business owner, I sometimes get caught in the self-esteem trap. If my kitchen counter tops are messy (ugh – messy counter tops are my kryptonite) I can instantly spiral into thoughts like, “I suck. I am absolutely failing at adulting. When will I ever get my shit together!?”
That response isn’t about a messy house. It’s about believing my worth depends on performance. And it doesn’t.
Sound familiar? What’s punches hold in your confidence?
- When your parents comment on how you haven’t been to church in a while?
- When you meet moms who continue on a career path instead of being a SAHM (or the opposite; they stayed home while you chose to work outside the house)?
- When your friend shows up with picture-perfect contouring and the cutest outfit while you still do makeup like you’re in middle school?
- When you see a coworker and her hubby on another gorgeous beach vacation, and think – how are they affording that? They’re doing amazing…
The things on this list they’re all performance-based. They are about doing and having to finally feel good. Danger zone: this list could be never-ending.
That’s why I teach women to stop asking, “How do I boost my self-esteem?” and start asking, “How do I connect with my self-worth?”
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In therapy sessions across St. George, UT, I talk to women about self-worth as something you were born with. It is inherent. Just like a baby doesn’t have to earn love or a sunset doesn’t have to prove it’s beautiful, **you are already enough. **
Self-worth is steady. Quiet. Grounding. And it has nothing to do with your performance.
Self-worth is the reason you:
- Set boundaries (and stick to them)
- Choose relationships that honor you
- Prioritize rest, care, and joy
- Say no without guilt
The more connected you are to your inherent worth, the less you hustle for validation, even if it’s self-validation.
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“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Here’s the hard but beautiful truth: Self-worth doesn’t arrive when you finally feel confident.
Self-worth starts when you decide to believe you matter. And then you decide again tomorrow. And again next week. And again when the kitchen’s messy, the kids are melting down, you messed up the grocery order, and your to-do list is a mile long.
You don’t have to feel like a sexy goddess of the universe to get started. You just have to begin.
So, if you’ve been:
- Overthinking everything
- Feeling like a failure even when you’re functioning
- Exhausted by trying to do it all perfectly
…you don’t need more motivation. You need more compassion.
At Guided Wellness Counseling, we help women rebuild their self-esteem, reclaim their self-worth, and rewrite the stories that have kept them small.
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We offer therapy in St. George, UT and a free 15-minute consultation to help you take the first step.
You don’t have to do this alone. Let’s find your steady ground together.
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