Am I Struggling With Shame?
Do you ever go to bed feeling like you didn’t do enough?
Maybe your inner critic keeps score all day long.
Or perhaps you’re recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship and can’t stop
wondering, “How did I stay so long?”
If so, what you’re carrying may not just be guilt. It may be shame.
What Is Shame?
Here’s the part that surprises most people:
Shame isn’t automatically bad.
In healthy doses, it’s one of the emotions that helps us recognize when we’ve behaved badly.
When we’ve acted outside our values or not, such as being:
- Kind
- Respectful
- Safe
- Patient
- Hard working
Imagine this, if I snap at my kiddos and then feel shame about my behavior I may be more likely
to pay attention to my self-care, revisit that parenting book I’ve been reading, or get help from a
girlfriend whose parenting I admire.
And that’s how shame acts as a natural consequence when you’ve behaved poorly, allowing
you to self-correct.
How Do I Let Go Of Shame?
To be clear, we don’t want to be shameless.
People who feel zero shame are offensive people. They have no compass for right or wrong.
But if you’re reading this blog, chances are you don’t have the problem of too-little shame or a
helpful, functional dose of shame. Rather, you likely struggle with an abundance of it.
The women who come to our trauma therapy practice in St. George, Utah often tell me they
feel:
- “I’m not good enough.”
- “I’m lazy.”
- “I’m not worth it.”
- “I’m a bad mom / wife / daughter / friend.”
- “I suck.”
- “I’m failing all the time.”
Sound familiar?
These women might know mentally that these statements are not true.They can see physical
evidence of a tidy-enough home, happy-enough kids, satisfying marriage, enjoyable work
relationships and so on…
But they feel that these things are true.
Shame Sneaks Up On You
Shame is sneaky. It moves between our mind and heart before you can even realize what’s
happening.
And high achieving women are often the most confused when it comes to shame because they
know they ‘shouldn’t’ feel this way.
As an example, I often share with my clients that I know in my head: I’m pretty awesome.
- I’m growing the boutique, trauma therapy practice of my dreams, helping women overcome anxiety and trauma
- Together, we go deep, refusing to grasp at coping skills and mass marketed self-care agendas
- I’m raising two kiddos and have advocated hard for their special needs.
- Add to the list that I am a loving wife, daughter, and daughter in-law.
But after a long day of healing trauma and being a badass, I return home…
I see my kids’ lunch boxes on the floor (despite my reminders to take them to the kitchen) and
the breakfast dishes that never made it to the sink before two hurried school drop-offs.
And then the icing on the cake…
I see those three heaping baskets of clean, unfolded laundry next to my bed. Questions spin in
my brain: How long have they been there? Is that too long? [Answer: Yes. Always.] I could
separate them for the kids, but aren’t they old enough to help me? Or do it themselves?
And then the ultimate conclusion: “I suck. I am failing at this.”
It happens faster than I can correct it. It’s a shame based belief that I know in-my-mind isn’t true.
But my heart just turns cold when I capture evidence that at 45 I haven’t mustered the strength,
maturity or whatever-it -is to stay on top of folding my laundry the day it’s been washed and
dried.
And that’s how shame sneaks up on you. It shows up despite all the evidence and It doesn’t
care for your affirmations or mindset work.But after a long day of healing trauma and being a badass, I return home…
I see my kids’ lunch boxes on the floor (despite my reminders to take them to the kitchen) and
the breakfast dishes that never made it to the sink before two hurried school drop-offs.
And then the icing on the cake…
I see those three heaping baskets of clean, unfolded laundry next to my bed. Questions spin in
my brain: How long have they been there? Is that too long? [Answer: Yes. Always.] I could
separate them for the kids, but aren’t they old enough to help me? Or do it themselves?
And then the ultimate conclusion: “I suck. I am failing at this.”
It happens faster than I can correct it. It’s a shame based belief that I know in-my-mind isn’t true.
But my heart just turns cold when I capture evidence that at 45 I haven’t mustered the strength,
maturity or whatever-it -is to stay on top of folding my laundry the day it’s been washed and
dried.
And that’s how shame sneaks up on you. It shows up despite all the evidence and It doesn’t
care for your affirmations or mindset work.
But after a long day of healing trauma and being a badass, I return home…
I see my kids’ lunch boxes on the floor (despite my reminders to take them to the kitchen) and
the breakfast dishes that never made it to the sink before two hurried school drop-offs.
And then the icing on the cake…
I see those three heaping baskets of clean, unfolded laundry next to my bed. Questions spin in
my brain: How long have they been there? Is that too long? [Answer: Yes. Always.] I could
separate them for the kids, but aren’t they old enough to help me? Or do it themselves?
And then the ultimate conclusion: “I suck. I am failing at this.”
It happens faster than I can correct it. It’s a shame based belief that I know in-my-mind isn’t true.
But my heart just turns cold when I capture evidence that at 45 I haven’t mustered the strength,
maturity or whatever-it -is to stay on top of folding my laundry the day it’s been washed and
dried.
And that’s how shame sneaks up on you. It shows up despite all the evidence and It doesn’t
care for your affirmations or mindset work.
How Shame Tricks You
In fact, this is one of the problems with shame. It’s an emotion. But we treat it like it’s a fact.
It shows up in your body with sensations as real as can be.
It doesn’t respond to logic and evidence.
It won’t be tamed by compliments or the reassurance of trusted loved ones.
It’s sticky, heavy, keeps us from living with joy and grace.
That’s why the first step in releasing shame is to become aware of how and when your shame is
showing up.
Let’s begin by talking about the four ways shame may be present in your life.
When Shame Controls You
Here’s one of the most common ways shame shows up is in your self-talk and belief systems.
Many of my clients are skilled at policing themselves.
Perhaps you can even finish these sentences:
- Good wives do this…
- Good mom’s do this..
- Good employees never…
- Good friends should always…
They tell me about feeling “caught” if their kiddo or partner walks in the room while they are
relaxing. They secretly hope that their husband won’t notice how much they are spending at
Starbucks or Swig. They hide their sexual desires because “that’s not normal” or “that’s too
kinky” and “I’m so embarassed…”
And that’s just the beginning!
Shame is a bottomless pit.
Just when you’re finally doing enough…
it changes the rules.
Shame will reinvent itself time and time again which is why it’s so important to address the
cause or source of that shame, not just the behaviors that trigger it.
When Shame Turns To Blame
Have you ever noticed how easy it is to point at someone else’s mistake when you’re secretly
carrying your own shame?
Being judgmental or blaming others is not kind. I’m not endorsing it as any way to walk through
this world. But it is an excellent way to avoid feeling your own shame.
You might notice yourself doing this when you feel:
- Critical of someone’s vacation post on Instagram (e.g. “must be nice to travel like that.”)
- Resentful when you partner asks to go to the gym
- Snooty when your neighbor has a well kept yard, even though you’d like that too.
- Distant from the moms that always seem to have time for the classroom parties and PTA
These kinds of feelings give you distance from your own thoughts, feelings, wants and needs.
The parts of you that desire a break, some much needed self-care, a tidy home inside and out,
and more time and flexibility in your children’s lives.
The Sneaky Way Shame Prevents Change
We see this in adults all the time.
And honestly children aren’t much different.
One of my own kiddos did an excellent job of avoiding their shame last night when I confronted
them on a poor choice – throwing pinecones at a friend.
They continued to tell me, “Bobby asked me to throw them at him! So it’s his fault!” Now, it might
be true that this started as a game and Bobby actually did request this. But I continued to tell my
child that no matter if someone asked for it, they were still accountable for their own choice and
they knew that pinecones hurt.
They had hoped that stating ‘so-and-so asked for it’ and ‘it wasn’t my idea’ would absolve them
of feeling shame and the responsibility-taking that often follows.
And that’s the point: shame keeps you from taking responsibility for the life and relationships
you actually want. Because nothing good ever came from blaming others or feeling resentful or
jealous.
When Shame Keeps You From Caring for Yourself
Often, the number one relationship that shame affects is your relationship to yourself. And this,
in turn, affects your relationships with your partners, children, parents, coworkers, friends and
even complete strangers.
Earlier we talked about how healthy shame can help us live according to our values.
But sometimes shame grabs onto our values so tightly that they stop serving us. Your shame
may even put up emotional walls around your own feelings.
It goes like this…
Imagine a female business owner who prides herself on being productive and letting nothing
stop her from success. She’s self-taught and knows the success or failure of her company rests
on her shoulders. Chances are she places a high value on productivity.
But when shame enters the picture this same woman may have a hard time acknowledging how
much she misses time with female friends. She may quarantine these feelings and get by with
the occasional run-in with a coworker or the anonymity of going to the gym.
She might also feel “caught” and embarrassed when her husband comes home while she’s
watching Netflix.
She starts to feel jealous when others stay home sick because she does not allow herself the
“luxury.”
In her quest for success and productivity she’s shut off from herself her own:
- Desire for friendship
- Need for rest or ease
- Wish to be nurtured
At the end of the day, when shame keeps you disconnected from acknowledging your needs,
wants and desires you are unable to be an honest and authentic woman.
When Shame Pushes People Away
Put simply, when you are not showing up honestly with yourself and living authentically, your
relationships will suffer. My deepest hope for you is that you have people in your life that are
crazy about your needs, wants, wishes and desires.
These things are like buckets that your partner(s) can pour into. When you show up with needs,
wants, wishes and desires your partner(s) can step up and be a useful instrument in your life.
They can feel proud of how they take care of you and add value to your life.
This might look like your husband taking the kids to school one morning so that you can slow
down and move at a pace that feels more nurturing for you. It may look like a friend suggesting
pizza and wine after you’re honest about having a tough week. Or your boss might find the
flexibility to delegate a handful of responsibilities after you share that this pregnancy is more
difficult than you expected.
At the end of the day, shame keeps you from real connection with others.
You mask. You say you’re fine. You may complain and vent to connect.
But the people that truly want to be in your life, they may find you difficult to support and walled
off from real intimacy.
The Shift That Stops Shame
If you’ve seen yourself somewhere in this article, I hope you’ll take a deep breath.
Because that kind of self-awareness is life-changing.
You’re starting to realize that shame isn’t proof of who you are. And it doesn’t get to sit high and
mighty, convincing you you’re failing every time your head hits the pillow.
Your next step is simple: notice it.
Don’t let shame tramp all over your day like it owns the place. Notice it. Name it. Then ask
yourself, “What’s shame trying to convince me of?”
And then—this is important—let your gut answer, not your logic.
Therapist secret: Shame can’t survive being seen.
That’s what makes this three-step practice so powerful:
- Notice it.
- Name it.
- Get curious.
This kind of awareness isn’t the finish line, but it is where healing begins.
Therapy In St. George UT Fits Like Your Favorite Jeans
If shame has become so loud that you no longer know what’s true about yourself, therapy can
help you untangle those beliefs and reconnect with who you really are.
If you’re looking for trauma therapy in St. George, Utah, you’re not alone. Many women come to
us believing they’re “not enough,” only to discover they’re carrying years of shame that can
finally be understood and healed.
You can start with a free 15-minute phone consultation to simply explore whether therapy might
be a good fit. During your call, we’ll talk about your goals, answer any questions you have, and
match you with a therapist on our team who’s an excellent fit for you—not just whoever has the
next opening. If it feels right, you can schedule your first appointment.
Many women are surprised by the care we take with this process. But we know that finding the
right therapist is a lot like finding the right bra—it depends on your unique needs and the season
of life you’re in.
Our team of trauma therapists in St. George, Utah is here for all of it.