[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.23.4″ _module_preset=”default” da_disable_devices=”off|off|off” locked=”off” global_colors_info=”{}” da_is_popup=”off” da_exit_intent=”off” da_has_close=”on” da_alt_close=”off” da_dark_close=”off” da_not_modal=”on” da_is_singular=”off” da_with_loader=”off” da_has_shadow=”on”][et_pb_row admin_label=”row” _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” locked=”off” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_heading title=”St. George, UT Therapists Talk About Gaslighting” _builder_version=”4.23.4″ _module_preset=”default” title_level=”h2″ title_font=”|700|||||||” global_colors_info=”{}”][/et_pb_heading][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″]
At Guided Wellness Counseling in St. George, UT our therapists have seen a huge increase in the number of women who are recovering from gaslighting in a relationship. And a common theme that they struggle with is feeling both “crazy” and that they are responsible for the overwhelm that’s occurred in their relationship.
It’s oh-so-common to feel like you are responsible for the craziness in your relationship or for the gaslighting behavior you’ve experienced. For many women, this comes quite naturally, given that we’ve grown up in a culture where women are often directly or indirectly taught to carry the emotional labor of their relationships. We’re praised for being peacemakers, nurturers, or relational problem-solvers, and celebrated for being empathetic, responsible, sexy, and keeping the romance alive. We’re praised for doing it all, keeping it together under grade and being “so committed!” Too often, we’re encouraged to do all of this at our own expense, leading to cycles of self-neglect.
Additionally, when you’re in a relationship with a gaslighter, they often reinforce the belief that their behaviors are your responsibility. Perhaps they’ve justified their actions by emphasizing the intensity or performance-driven nature of their career (which, they emphasize with disdain, “You probably wouldn’t be able to understand” – you’re just not that smart, right?). Or maybe they’ve used a chronic illness as an excuse, shaming you for not being more compassionate, patient, or empathetic toward their struggles. Sometimes, gaslighters weaponize their own history of trauma, using it as leverage to accuse you of being insensitive or triggering them.
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What becomes invisible in all of this is you. You have emotional needs, too. You have a right to your own thoughts, feelings, wants, needs and imperfections. You are, after all, human. But to the person who is gaslighting you, your needs, boundaries, and humanity will always come second to their interpretation of you and the world around them. (Unless, putting your first is to their advantage… which is again an act of manipulation, power and control).
The result of all this? Confusion, exhaustion, and emotional burnout.
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Gaslighting is so draining because it forces you to constantly question your reality, making you feel responsible for someone else’s behavior while invalidating your own needs and experiences. Here are some of the key reasons why it leaves you feeling so worn out:
- Constant Self-Doubt: Gaslighters undermine your trust in your own thoughts and memories, leaving you in a perpetual state of second-guessing yourself. This mental labor is exhausting.
- Emotional Hypervigilance: Victims of gaslighting often feel like they’re walking on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering manipulative behavior. This constant state of alertness is emotionally draining.
- Shifting Narratives: Gaslighters often deny or rewrite past events, creating a sense of confusion and frustration as you try to piece together the truth. Additionally, as you try to hold the story of what’s happened, you are often blamed or shamed for being too sensitive, over reacting or having “trust issues”.
- Erosion of Self-Trust: Over time, gaslighting erodes your confidence in your own judgment, making you even more dependent on the gaslighter for validation and control. Further, if you try to act with confidence or trust in your own judgment you may be punished by the person, making you doubt if setting boundaries is actually healthy or in your own best interest.
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Gaslighters don’t just rely on one method of manipulation. They often use additional tactics like love-bombing, hoovering, and stonewalling to maintain control. These techniques are confusing and draining in their own right:
Love-Bombing
Definition: Love-bombing involves overwhelming someone with excessive attention, flattery, and affection, often early in a relationship or after a conflict.
Why It’s Confusing: The affection and charm create a false sense of security, making victims question the negative aspects of the relationship. To add to the confusion, lovebombing can simply look like an exaggerated version of what most of us want in relationships: a lot of communication, a clear plan for the future and a good dose of fun and romance. It feels good to have all these needs met. But, the emotional highs and lows of love-bombing can feel like whiplash, leaving you mentally and emotionally fatigued.
Hoovering
Definition: Named after the vacuum brand, hoovering refers to manipulative attempts to “suck” someone back into a relationship after they’ve tried to leave or set boundaries.
Why It’s Confusing: Hoovering exploits your emotional vulnerabilities. Gaslighters may offer heartfelt apologies, make promises to change, or create crises that require your attention, leaving you wondering if you made the right choice to leave. This emotional back-and-forth keeps you trapped and drained. Examples of hoovering can look like:
● Explaining that they’ll finally try couples counseling with you
● Realizing that they’re ready for the next step in the relationship – they just got
scared
● Being sexually generous; prioritizing your pleasure
● Suggesting you have a child together
● Having a medical crisis they need you for
● Receiving or expecting a promotion they want to celebrate with you
● Saying the need to meet one more time, “for closure” or to return something
Stonewalling
Definition: Stonewalling occurs when a person refuses to communicate, respond, or engage in discussions as a way to punish or control.
Why It’s Exhausting: The silence and avoidance create an emotional vacuum, forcing you to overthink and analyze the situation, searching for answers that aren’t forthcoming. The lack of resolution drains your energy and leaves you feeling powerless. This can often occur as an in-person silent treatment but can also look like refusing to answer phone calls, text messages, attend scheduled therapy sessions or other appointments, removing you from their social media accounts and more.
As a reminder: There is a difference between going “no contact” as a boundary to protect yourself from further abuse or stonewalling… and stone walling – using contact (or a lack of contact) as a means to punish you or gain power and control in the relationship.
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The combination of gaslighting, love-bombing, hoovering, and stonewalling creates a cycle of emotional highs and lows that leave you confused and drained. The inconsistency of affection and cruelty keeps you stuck in a cycle of trying to “fix” the relationship while neglecting your own needs. Over time, this erodes your emotional resilience and leaves you feeling like a shell of yourself.
Additionally, the cultural context of St. George and Southern Utah plays a role in how you may experience gaslighting. An emphasis on women as the ones to keep their relationship together puts a painful burden on many wives, girlfriends and partners. Second, the invisibility of LGBTQ+ relationships makes it especially difficult for any one member of a queer or “nontraditional” relationship to seek help and advocate for themselves. This lends to an additional layer of isolation. And, of course, men in heterosexual relationships can experience gaslighting and emotional abusive behavior by their female partners. But resources for men in this situation are lacking across the USA and especially in small, rural or religiously conservative communities.
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Recovering from the emotional exhaustion of gaslighting is a journey, but therapy offers a safe and supportive space to heal. Here’s how it can help:
1. Rebuild Trust in Yourself: Therapy helps you reconnect with your inner voice and trust your own perceptions again. Through guided conversations, you’ll learn to anchor yourself in your truth.
2. Recognize and Break Manipulative Patterns: By identifying the tactics and patterns of gaslighting, you’ll gain the clarity needed to set boundaries and protect yourself from further manipulation.
3. Heal Emotional Wounds: Therapy provides a compassionate space to process the pain and confusion caused by gaslighting, allowing you to release those emotional burdens.
4. Rebuild Confidence and Self-Esteem: With the support of a therapist, you’ll work on restoring your confidence and self-worth, empowering you to take control of your life and relationships.
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At Guided Wellness Counseling, our therapists are here to guide you through this journey and provide the next steps for healing. Let’s get to the root of it together. We offer a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation to help you clarify your goals for therapy and answer your questions. You deserve the best therapist for your unique needs, and we’ll match you with a member of our team based on your goals and schedule.
If we’re not a good fit, we’ll connect you with a trusted community partner. Take that next small step towards healing. Picture yourself one step closer to a healthier, more empowered version of you. Reach out today and start your journey toward recovery and emotional freedom.
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